"Finger" is the fifth episode of the third series. It was first broadcast on 3 February 1995. After returning home from a cricket match, Richie learns that Eddie has stolen a mad Welshman's car keys.
Richie and Eddie return home from a "stag" cricket match for mad Welshman "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones who is getting married soon. Richie has been polishing the ball a bit too enthusiastically and Eddie has acquired a significant amount of jumpers, hats and trousers. We learn that Taffy knocked Richie unconscious with a well-timed bowl, and was allowed to do this as a wedding present. Eddie then reveals that he has nicked Taffy's car keys, and they set out to cause some trouble for him. Arriving at his car, Richie jumps in but then realises that he has no idea how to drive. Eddie gives him some misguided advice and they end up reversing through the window of an off-license before making off down some country lanes. During the journey, Eddie finds Taffy's honeymoon tickets in the glove box, and they make their way to the Marvelloso Splendido Hotel-O in Wolverhampton.
They arrive at the hotel with the intention to impersonate Taffy and his new wife, meaning Eddie must doll himself up in drag in order to pass himself off as Mrs O'Jones convincingly. The guise does not go well, with Eddie accidentally putting his fake breasts on back to front and both of them falling down the stairs before dinner. Both try to get it on with one of the maids and Eddie ends up getting kicked in his "girls bits." At dinner they offend the maitre'd and Richie ends up scaring off half the diners with his awful Leonard Rossitter impression.
As they retire for the evening, Taffy arrives and is naturally very angry to find them there, and knocks them both out with two excellently placed cricket balls.
Victor Spinotti as The Maitre'd
Kevin Allen as Marcel /Taffy
Caroline Gruber as The Maid
Gareth Marks as The Hotel Desk Clerk
Rupert Rainsford as The Concierge
- Eddie: You were.
- Richie: I wasn’t.
- Eddie: You were!
- Richie: I was not!
- Eddie: Richie, you were out!
- Richie: Bloody bloody bloody wasn’t!
- Eddie: Look, the umpire’s decision is final.
- Richie: Look, listen to me right? I’m English, right? I invented this game racially! Now when you bowl... When you bowl, you’re supposed to walk very nicely to your mark. get that sort of far away look on your face, masturbate enigmatically... for about 4-5 minutes... so that the cameras can still get you in focus... and then it’s time for lop-dee-lop-dee-lop, nice and gentle over the arm...pop, Richie gets a 6, round of appulase, gentlemanly conduct, welcome to the crease. Everyone thinks I’m great, right?
- Richie: Well that psychotic welsh BASTARD! Cannonball Taffy’ O Jones, doesn’t want to know anything about that, he just stands there behind the wicket, looks at me and goes “You ignorant English wanker!” Whams the ball straight at me, right before I had any chance to do all that hovering stuff with the bat and the crease. Next thing I know I’m lying in a pool of stumps and blood.
- Richie: Yes alright, alright, I’ve got a bad leg.
- Eddie: I’m not surprised the way you polished the ball! We had a tea break waiting for your second delivery.
- Eddie: Hey, never mind. Look on the bright side, we made a healthy profit of 4 hats, 5 jumpers and 3 pairs of trousers.
- Eddie: Even old Ted Unlucky Suicide McGloomy had a bit of a laugh, so much so his rectum prolapsed.
- Richie: Well as long as I can make someone happy... did you check the pockets?
- Eddie: Is the pope Jewish?
- Richie: No.
- Richie: Right, eenie, meenie miney m- look we’ll just take the quick route.
- Eddie: Right you are.
- Richie: *Sharply turns the car left* Look out; hedge!
- Richie: What sort of hotel do you call this?!
- Hotel Desk Clerk: A full one.
- Richie: Yeah, good answer.
- Eddie: Its happened again Richie, let me give you a tip, if you ever pretend to be a lesbian, keep your tackle well hidden.
- Eddie: That’s not Ted Rodgers! That’s that bird from the abattoirs that‘s getting married to Cannonball Taffy’ O Jones.
- Riche and Eddie: *Gasp* CANNONBALL TAFFY‘ O JONES?!
- Cannonball Taffy’ O Jones: That’s right you ignorant English wankers! *Throws cricket balls at Richie and Eddie*
- Finger is the last episode to feature scenes that were taken in a location outside of the flat.
At the very beginning of the epiode, seconds before Richie and Eddie enter the main room, a few props which were originally from the episode break can be seen still on the set, which may have been left by accident before filming (I.e the pulley on the kitchen support beam which was used to attach the fridge, Eddies tool kit left near the kitchen door and the alarm clock sitting on the living room table).
- The line near the start of the episode where Eddie questions if the Pope was Jewish after being asked about checking his pockets was reused in the full-length movie Guest House Paradiso, instead asking if the pope was a catholic.
- Richie touches on the fact that they had ran-raided the off-liscence by accident when trying to Hotwire Cannonball Taffy’o Jones’ car in Carnival when they witness the primary school kids doing the same thing during the annual Hammersmith riot.