Episode 1 was first broadcast on 7 January 1987. Richie gets into big trouble when he kills two milkmen, and finds out a paternity suit has been filed against him on the same day.
Richie wakes up and sings to the audience about how great and sexy he thinks he is, but is disturbed to find that Eddie had crept into bed with him overnight because he'd spilt lager all over his own bed. Both wander into the kitchen but their morning is disturbed by the milkman, who Richie mistakes for a reporter and kills. They stash the body in the cupboard in a vague attempt at covering up the crime. Richie's agent Ralph Filthy arrives and informs him that a seventeen year old girl has filed a paternity suit against him. Eddie winds him up by telling him that a stork holding a baby has arrived at the front door, sending Richie into a panic. Richie goes out to kill the stork and ends up killing another milkman.
Stuck with two very serious situations to deal with, Filthy comes up with a plan to have Eddie disguise himself as Richie when they take the paternity test, leaving him to deal with disposing of the two bodies. Richie accidentally runs over two more milkmen and ends up taking them to the hospital, where the seventeen year old has just given birth to Richie's child. Eddie makes for a temporarily convincing ruse but Richie becomes very sentimental when he sees her holding the child, and blows his cover. The girl however can't stand the sight of Richie and the situation is then revealed to be a ruse to bleed him for money; the girl is Eddie's cousin and between them had come up with the plan to fleece him for twenty years worth of CSA payments, much to Richie's disappointment.
The episode ends with Richie and Eddie disposing of the bodies of the milkmen in the river.
Barbara Windsor as Auntie Myrtle
Johanna Hargreaves as Cindy Catflap
Lee Cornes as The Bin Man
Helen Lederer as The Midwife
- Rik and Ade would later expand into their penchant for killing and maiming innocent people by violently assaulting the gas man in Bottom.
- The episode featured many moments throughout the series where Rik and Ade would break the fourth wall, even going so far as admitting to the audience that they couldn't think of a decent way to end the episode so concluded it by dumping the bodies of the milkmen.
- After Richie kills the first milkman he kicks the corpse several times, but from the angle we see it from he is not actually connecting when he kicks.